The Return
by jakeward aka lindalu
Summary: What happens when the life you know falls apart, leaving you to pick up the pieces when you would rather fall apart? What happens when the love of your life is taken from you, yet haunts your dreams and your soul?
1. twentythree months

_**Story Notes:**_

_**Co-authored by jakeward aka lindalu (jakeward on twilighted) and the shrew**_

_**What happens when the life you know falls apart, leaving you to pick up the pieces when you would rather fall apart? What happens when the love of your life is taken from you, yet haunts your dreams and your soul? How can you ever live when you would rather die? Until you awake from a dream and see your love has returned . . .**_

_**What's meant to be will always find a way.**_

_A canon twist_

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_Disclaimer: We own nothing Twilight-related. We are simply borrowing the characters to free our minds from little Canon-AU evils that have plagued us for months!_

_Please be advised: this story will be rather dark and sad ( assuming we do our 'jobs' right). However, we love a Jane Austen ending and lemons..._

_Rated NC-17 For MATURE READERS. ADULT SUBJECT MATTER (death, depression, angst)_

Twenty-three months. Twenty-three months of feeling like shit every day. Twenty-three months of feeling the deepest despair a human can feel. Twenty-three months of feeling as if I wanted nothing more than the blackness to open up, and swallow me whole. Twenty-three months of being damned sure that I would never feel happy again, never feel the warmth of the sun touch my skin, never feel the soft sigh of a breeze; all from my beloved.

She was on her way home from her best friend's birthday celebration when it happened. She simply lost control of the car; or that is what we were told; the tire marks seemed to indicate to that end. Her body was never found; the police, state troopers, and the men from La Push searched. They searched for weeks, never giving up, and they searched into the night. I was never sure how they could search at night; it was so damned dark in the woods just off their reservation. They found her car, at the bottom of a massive hill, the hood and passenger door crushed like a tin can. The driver's door appeared to have been pulled from the hinges; but my Bella wasn't in the car. She wasn't anywhere near the wreck, which seemed impossible. She had just . . . disappeared. The state patrol had said there was a radius where she _should_ have been projected to, but there was no body. The search teams combed the woods, thinking maybe she had removed herself from the car and walked, or crawled, off for help. But still nothing. After a month, they called off the search. The state troopers called off the search after two weeks. The Forks police and the La Push boys – well, they took a bit longer; two weeks longer to be exact. My beautiful wife was gone, vanished like some mythological creature that had returned to the Gods.

And I had been sinking ever since.

It was hard, watching her father hand over the paper work to the coroner to declare her dead. It broke him. He retired five months later; he had simply had lost his will to live. If it weren't for Charlie's new wife, Sue, and his best friend, Billy, he never would have come back from the edge he had teetered on. I wasn't as lucky. I was still there.

I hated Jacob. I really shouldn't, but I did. I knew it wasn't his fault she was dead, but I felt the deep need to blame someone, and as it was his party she'd attended the night she died, I felt the blame should rest on him. He wasn't the one driving the car when it slipped past the guard rail and careened down the embankment, but I blamed him as if he was. He had been as hard on himself as I had been; saying he should have driven her home; that the snow was picking up and it simply wasn't safe for her to travel alone. She had assured him the snow chains both he and her father had put on would be fine. She promised to call him when she arrived home.

That was when I knew something had happened. Jacob called just after midnight, asking if she had made it home yet. It wasn't possible for the trip from the reservation to take an hour, even with the horrid conditions, and it had been two.

That was when the searching had started, at a quarter after midnight. And it ended a little over a month later, at 2:21 p.m..

That was when I slipped silently passed purgatory and fell straight into hell.

Small noises in the house caused fleeting moments of thinking it had all been a bad dream; that she was simply upstairs, in the kitchen, on the porch, or wherever the noise came from. While that was bad enough, it was the dreams that helped me slip into a dark state - one that I was helpless against.

I barely ate. I showered only when I needed to. And didn't move from the room I had been in when Jacob called that night, unless I had to for reasons only the living needed. I felt my chest burn and ache. I felt my body sing for hers; all knowing the song would never be played in return. I felt a numbness and a deep, searing pain at the same time. I could barely concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time, unless it was on the pain the loss of her had brought. Or on the very thought of her - as she lived and breathed and loved. And I cried. I cried until there were no more tears left, and even then, my body refused to stop. I cried silent, dry tears. And felt my soul slowly ripped apart.

Charlie, Jacob, and our friends from high school all saw to the basic needs of my life; paying bills, cleaning, cooking meals that I would eat only a few bites of. I had no family outside of the one I'd created with Bella; my parents had passed on several years ago. Even losing my parents hadn't come close to the pain and sorrow of losing Bella.

I was fortunate that I was self employed in that I was able to completely check out those first few months. But slowly, with the help of Bella's best friend, Angela, I had slowly begun my retreat from the edge of blackened void the was my life without my love.

Angela never stopped trying; never stopped coming over in the small hours of the night when the dreams were too painful, and too real. At first, I never slept. I couldn't. My mind dare to challenge me with thoughts that she would call while I was asleep, and I would miss the call. Of course, my mind went back to the dark thoughts that so often clouded it. I didn't sleep because I didn't want the phone to wake me and alert me that they had found her body. I didn't sleep for I don't know how long, but I eventually fell into an exhausted slumber.

That is when the dreams started. The dreams made me _want_ to sleep; so that I could be closer to her again. If it weren't for the dreams, I wouldn't want to rest at all. I often dreamt she was next to me, watching me sleep. She would reach out to brush my hair off my forehead, her hands felt cold as ice, and her sweet scent was surrounding me. I would startle awake at her touch, reaching to grasp her but collecting nothing but air, thus ending the sweet and dark seduction those nightmares held. I would call Angela after those dreams, shaking with fear and longing, and she would be at my house only minutes later. She would stay until the fear subsided, then silently, she would let herself out and go back to her family.

Angela was the truest friend Bella had. She was her maid of honor when we married and had never stepped down from that friendship, even with Bella gone. She said that I was the other half of Bella, and she wouldn't leave me just because Bella was dead. Dead. How I hated that word. I knew it wasn't helpful to imagine her off on a business trip, or visiting her mother in Florida, but to actually say the word out loud was something I just couldn't do. I felt if I said it, I was somehow giving up hope that she was still out there. No, I would never give up that single thread of hope, no matter how frayed it was.

Painfully, started to lift the dark shroud that covered me and slowly began to come back to life. It had taken nearly two years, but I was working again. I was going through my day-to-day, barely. The pain was still there, but I was able to work with it; through it. I missed her more and more with each day that passed, and I found I was starting a countdown. Not to the anniversary of losing her, not to our wedding anniversary or birthdays, but to the day that I would finally be with her again, in death.

I was twenty-eight years old and looked forward to dying.

So I drank. A lot. And I smoked. A lot. And I drove the road that had claimed her, every horrible winter day I could, begging the road to claim me as well. Charlie told me to stop, that I was disgracing her memory with such foolish acts. I. Didn't. Care. I only cared how soon I would die. I only cared how soon I would be with my beloved again.

I climbed the stairs to our bedroom and resumed my night time routine. I brushed my teeth, washed my face, slipped on my pajama pants, and tried to fall asleep. It was barely past nine.

Sometime after midnight, I started to have the dream again. In recent months, she stayed in my dreams long enough to actually see her, but never talk to her. She spoke only a few words before I would awaken, leaving me once again.

_She entered the room, wearing jeans and a long, red sweater, and slowly walked to our bed. Her hair looked exactly as it had the night she . . ., long and flowing with gentle waves setting off her small and delicate face. She looked pale, well more so than she ever had in reality, and her eyes seemed a brighter shade of brown. Her scent brought me out of the dark haze which even my dreams were victim to, and I inhaled deeply._

_She closed the distance between us silently, and sat on the edge of the bed. Her small, delicate hand reached out and brushed my hair off my forehead. Her hands felt cold, but I had come to expect that; just like I had come to expect her scent to be all that much stronger. She held me in her gaze before she spoke._

"_Edward…. Edward, I need you to live . . . for us. Please, don't do this to yourself," her voice seemed softer than usual._

"_I need you Bell. I won't live without you," I whispered, as I reached out to hold her hand in mine._

"_You have to. I need you to," she encouraged._

"_I won't. When am I going to die, Bella? I want to be with you," I said, feeling the pain swell within my chest._

"_You can't be with me, Edward," she said, her voice laced with pain. _

"_I can if I'm dead."_

"_No, not even then," she replied firmly._

"_Bella?" I was heartbroken once again. Even in my dreams I couldn't be with her._

"_Edward, I love you. I need you to promise me to live, for us," she said as she leaned over and kissed my forehead, her cool lips shot a current of electricity through my body._

"_No."_

"_I can't come back again. I only have tonight. You must promise me." _

"_Don't leave me again, Bella, please. I can't do this without you. I have tried, and I just can't." I felt my tears slip once again. Even in sleep, I cried for her._

"_I know you have. I've watched you, and I know you have tried, but you have to go on. You have to promise me that you will. You will have my love and my heart forever, isn't that enough?"_

"_No. I want you. I want to feel you and touch you again. I want to have you lay beside me in bed, or curled up next to me. I need to hear you breathe again."_

_I heard her expel a breath._

"_I can't do that anymore, Edward," she said, her voice had taken on a slightly bitter edge._

"_I miss you so damned much," I said, as the tears fell freely and soaked my face. I could feel my slumber ending, and I started to fight against it. Even with her trying to leave me in my dreams, at least she was there, and I could see, feel, and talk to her._

"_I need to go, love. I miss you. And I love you," she said as she stood up from the be, and turned to walk towards the door._

"_Bella! Please! Don't leave me again. I'm not strong enough. I can't do this without you," I practically shouted, knowing if I had to act quickly to keep her in my dream._

"_You're stronger than you have ever given yourself credit for, Edward my love. I love you," she said, her face pained and almost haunted._

"_Bella!" I sprang from the bed and reached for her. I couldn't let her go, not again._

And then it stopped being a dream.

She was real. For one brief moment, I felt my hand brush her arm she slipped through my grasp. And it was then that I feared I had lost my mind.

_Chapter End Notes:_

_Thank you for giving this story a read. We would love any comments or reviews you may care to offer._

_Next Chapter.. BPOV_


	2. Three Days

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_**From the shrew:**__ This chapter would not be done without the magic writing skills of my ficwife. When it got too much for me to write of Bella's pain, she stepped in and wrote virtually all of this, so major fucking kudos to her. She really is fabulous, and that doesn't even begin to say it all._

_Thanks to the readers for taking on a story that starts off with such tragedy and angst. I promise we will make it better eventually. Lemons, and Jane Austen endings are what I live for, so rest assured the soul mates shall not be separated forever._

In a time when there are so many mutt stories out there, or Edward never returning bullshit (no offense, but that just jumps the fucking shark for me), we are happy to provide a twist on Twilight that re-examines the dynamic of self-sacrifice and pure, true, timeless love.

_Psst, Emm? Is it okay that I almost went all subtext and "real" with the notes? Do you think the readers will forgive me that slip into almost coherent thought?_

_Additionally, please note that this chapter draws heavily from canon. We did not wish to rehash or paraphrase what SM wrote about transformations, but canon was used as a guideline (like a 'code' one could say) about how one becomes a vampire. It is, after all, based upon her universe. No intent to infringe on SM's words. We just tried to explain a transformation within this AU._

_Emm, does that cover our butts for peeps that might get huffy? Wait, we don't have huffy readers. We're good. We 3 our readers._

_Thanks for reading and please enjoy._

_**From jakeward: **__yeah, that._

I was so excited to be on my way home. It had been such a momentous day for me, and I couldn't wait to get home to my Edward. I mean, I loved Jake. He had been like a pseudo-brother to me growing up, but I was ready to leave his birthday party as soon as I got there. I just had other things on my mind.

I wanted to get home so badly that I couldn't wait around for Jake to ride with me. He had guests and party clean up to see to, and I really just wanted to get home as soon as possible. I needed to tell Edward the good news. Plus, it would have been uncomfortable if Edward and I weren't alone when I told him. This needed to be just the two of us.

In hindsight, I wondered if it would have made any difference if Jake rode in the truck with me. But when they took me back to see the wreck that was my car, I knew that he wouldn't have lasted as long as I did, so I was glad that I was alone. I didn't want to be the cause of anyone's death. That statement is full of irony for me now. I am a vampire. I became a vampire three days after that horrible night.

I am not supposed to remember much of what my life was like as a human, but since every vampire is a little different, as well as each transformation, I am the exception to that vampiric rule. I remember everything. True, a vampire's senses are greater than a human's, so there is a particular sort of murkiness to what my senses perceived as a human, but what remained crystal clear was the importance and significance – the human meaning – of my memories. There are certain memories that remained closest to me. Most of them involved my husband. My Edward. And I remember my last day as a human. The emotions of that day were so strong that they seared themselves into my brain as the fire seared through my veins.

Three days of excruciating pain and scalding fire. The agony of my transformation blended with the debilitating injuries from the accident. I remember the black ice that my chains proved ineffective against. I remember the car tumbling over itself down the hillside, seeming to never stop. I remember the horrific symphony of crashing glass and metal groaning as my car slammed into a gully of rocks and boulders. I remember feeling a cold start within me, and a numbness that led to slipping away. I tried to find my cell phone, but it was nowhere near my reach. And I thought of Edward, the love of my life, and my sole reason for breathing. I focused on him and felt the darkness descend.

I heard a sound. My eyes fluttered in reaction, and there were voices; voices I'd never heard before. They spoke quickly, so quickly I almost couldn't understand, of 'not enough time', and 'nothing that could be done'. I found my voice, using what was the last of my strength and tried to speak. I was sure they couldn't hear my near-silent whisper.

" . . . Edward …can't leave him . . . please, God . . . can't leave him . . . baby . . ."

The voices were silent; I felt a hand press against my leg, tightening something. They spoke of only one option. I heard a fierce ripping, I felt something solid against my back and legs, and I become weightless. I was leaving Edward, I could feel my life ending, and the angels had taken me. I had failed him. I had failed us. _I'm so sorry, Edward._

The fire raged for three days. I was told I managed the pain well. There were fears my broken back and crushed pelvis had taken too much of a toll; the healing of these injuries was amongst the worst pain I felt. I was told the gash on my leg and head had been hard for a few members of my new family to be around. That pain was nothing compared to the new pain that took over.

Excruciating pain presented in various forms of red; searing through my broken body. Moments of agony that seemed to stretch on for eternity, but only the constant tick of a clock noted the actual passage of time. That metered tick became the way I measured the periods of red then black. Black was the comfort from the onslaught; it was the small peace my body clung to. The red was the most horrific pain imaginable; far worse than limbs being ripped from a body, acid burning through tender flesh, . . . losing one's beloved. It was all of it and more.

I fought against the darkness; I wanted to be with Edward, not in this horrific place. I clung to the image of his face, the scent of his body, the warmth of his touch. I clung to the idea of seeing him and sharing what I had waited the entire day to share. I clung to the single thread that connected me to living, not wanting to slip to where he couldn't find me, couldn't hold me, and couldn't fix me. He would fight against the darkness for me; I had to fight for him. For us.

I felt the darkness pull me closer, and I fought against it. It wasn't enough. I tried to think of the sharp line of his jaw, the shimmer in the deepest depth of his green eyes, the softness of his hair, but the images were blurred – I was terrified. How could the darkness block him from me, my ever - shining light?

I felt the shroud close around me – there was nothing to hold on to. The darkness enveloped me, and the heat claimed me.

I thought of Edward, certain he was the source of the warmth I felt spreading though my body. I had felt the heat so many times with him; when he told me he loved me, every time we made love, the day he asked me to marry him. Yes, the heat that surrounded my heart, which coursed through my body, was familiar and I cherished it. I found a new hope I had somehow survived. Then the treasured warmth became hot. So much hotter than any heat I had known, it was hard to believe it was real.

It seared within me, singeing my soul and every cell of my body. I wanted to rid myself of the intense heat, but I was helpless to stop it.

I felt a panic take over, wondering what level of hell I had been sent to – how could the angels have left me? My fear, confusion, and sadness ripped what little was left of my soul apart – and the fire raged with all the anger of the gods.

My heart was the first to ignite, and I wanted rid my body of the burning that was far worse than the pain when I hit the boulder. I wanted to scream, to beg my angels for mercy, to have them free me from the raging fire within my body. What wrong had I committed to be tortured so cruelly?

I wanted to beg for death, but death would take me further away from Edward, and I couldn't leave him.

I felt the fire leave my chest, and it started it's slow, painful path throughout my body, and my screams followed.

I felt a light pressure against my cheek, and the voice of my one angel speaking softly, "Be strong, Bella. You can do this."

Yes, the angel was right. I could do this – for Edward. I bit down on my lips in my best attempt to stifle the need to scream. It lasted four ticks of the clock.

"Shhh, Bella. I'm here. I won't leave you until it's over," my angel whispered.

Yes, it was coming. The end of my life was near, and I couldn't stop it. The pain was so great, so complete; death was a much better option to the horrifying pain.

My body burned for countless ticks of the clock, I wasn't sure how much time had passed, and I wasn't sure it mattered. I had come to understand the pain as something which was necessary to pass to the other side. I stopped wondering where the white light was and listened to my angel's constant words of encouragement. He was the constant, right along the pain, and rarely left my side. I heard muffled conversations, all involving my progress, and while the fire still racked my body, I could feel a shift within me. My heart started to beat faster, pounding into a frenzy and burning with the heat of a thousand suns. I was sure it would explode; it wasn't possible for it to beat this fast.

"It's almost over, Bella. Be strong, the worst is almost over." My angel's cool hand pressed against my cheek, and the fires subsided with his touch. He removed his hand, and the blazing heat returned.

I felt relief wash over me; it was almost over. I knew the few screams I had not been able to control never helped, but I knew my angel had.

And still my heart raged.

I felt the heat retreat from my hands and from my feet, all pooling back towards my heart. For the first time in over a million ticks of the clock, I felt no heat in my body. The trade off was the agonizing pain of all that heat now focused in my heart.

"Should I get Jasper?" a light, pixie voice asked.

"Yes, that might be helpful for more than just her new state." My angel seemed concerned.

"You don't think she has full memories of before, when she was human, do you?" the sweet, angelic voice asked.

"I'm not sure, but we can't risk it."

I wanted to ask what couldn't be risked, but my heart went into overdrive. It was the loudest noise I had ever heard; far louder than any noise the accident had made. It was frightening and a relief all in one.

I felt a hand squeeze mine. "I'll be right here, waiting for you when this is over. Be strong, Bella."

I wanted to scream; the ferocity of my pounding heart was torturous. I needed to scream, to release the intensity that was leading to a crescendo in my chest. No, my angel had asked me to be strong. I couldn't live for Edward, but I could make sure my last moments alive were valiant and strong.

My heart hammered with the force of a thousand horses pounding their hooves against the earth in unison. I was sure my heart would burst out of my chest. The fire flared again, centering the last flames in my body around my heart in the most horrific pain of all. I felt my breath sucked from my body in response, my back arched, my body writhed in agony. And suddenly, without warning, my body dropped back to the surface I had been placed on, my heart fought its last fight. My body had been charred, nothing left to burn, and the flames ravaged my last connection to Edward. I felt the last few beats of my heart as if they were the only beats it ever knew.

The fire tightened, squeezing my heart, and forcing it into its final beats. There was a final swell, which was followed by a vacant thud. I felt my last remaining organ hesitate, and then it fell silent with one final beat.

The sounds were gone, the fire disappeared, and there was not a breath to be heard. The lack of the constant pain I had suffered was stunning, and my mind only wanted to focus on that solitary fact.

Then, without any effort or thought, my eyes opened.


	3. Truth and Legends

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_**jakeward:**__ Sorry for the long delay in posting an update. I would should say that the delay in updating rests totally on me. I wanted to do Edward justice and I hope that I have. Thank you for reading this one. I hope you like it. And a huge thank you to my ficwifew, the shrew, for proofing and hand holding!_

_**the shrew:**__ Thank you to my wonderful ficwife for this lovely story. Thank you to the readers for riding along with us on this journey. I think we are all going to have a lot of fun with this one. In a very angsty, yet ultimately happy, sorta way. :)_

_**Disclaimer:**__ All Twilight characters belong to SM. We have only borrowed them and flipped things to create a Twist on Canon._

I staggered through the next few days; one thought bounced to the next with no form or clarity. Bella was real. I wasn't making it up or dreaming it. I felt her. I felt her as she slipped through my hand and disappeared into the night. She continued to haunt me just as she had for so many months.

I knew I shouldn't retreat into the dark space in my mind, but I went all the same. How different would my life be if she hadn't gone to a place I couldn't follow her? ? I desperately wanted to be with her again, but everything I tried had left me in a frozen state of existence; technically alive, but feeling nothing.

Angela had called several times, and on the fourth day, after her calls went unanswered and unreturned, she came to the house. I sat in my study, staring out the window and not paying too much attention to her as she padded through the house and her weekly cleaning of my home. When she came to the room I was in, she paused in the doorway before she entered.

She walked over to the windows and opened the blinds until a glaring light filled the room. "Edward? It's a beautiful day outside; would you like to go for a walk?"

"No," I said, the massive blinking the bright light caused started to fade.

"Edward," she began as she sat down on the small footrest in front of the chair Bella had purchased shortly after we bought the house. She reached for my hand and took it gently in hers. "You really have me worried. What happened this week?"

I blinked twice, my eyes locked on the small piece of thread I could see on the carpet. "I can't talk about it."

Angela sighed as she lightly stroked my hand. "Edward, please? You need to talk to someone about this. Charlie said you quit seeing that doctor in Port Angeles and you've been locked in this house . . ."

My eyelids fluttered, and I felt tired. More tired than I had felt in the past two years. I knew she meant well. She always had. "Angela, what would you say if I told you I saw her?"

Her eyes narrowed, and the telltale sign of her impending tears glinted in her eyes. "Oh Edward, I'm so sorry."

"I saw her, Angela. I saw her in our room the other night. I reached for her and I felt her. She can't be a ghost if I felt her, can she?" I felt the tremors start again, just as they always did when I thought of Bella.

"Oh, Edward. I know you want to believe you saw her, but she wasn't there. I wish she was. God knows how I wish she was, but she wasn't." Her voice cracked, and my heart broke with the truth of her words.

"I swear I felt her. Am I going crazy? Have I finally lost my mind?" I looked at her and felt my tears threaten to fall.

"No, Edward, you haven't. You just lost your heart . . . but you need to let her go. She'll always be a part of you, of what you do, but you have to let go so you can live again. She needs you to do that much." Her tears matched mine as they fell.

I choked back the tears and tried to speak. It was almost too painful, but I found enough within me to say the words. " . . . but I don't want to know a day without her, Angela. I can't move forward to a life that she isn't a part of."

Angela wiped the tears from her face and moved her hand to do the same for me. "Edward, you never have to stop loving her."

"I couldn't even if I tried," I said as a full sob escaped my chest. "Jesus, I love her so much. Why her? Why not me? Why not both of us together? What kind of God could allow this to happen? How could she leave me? I didn't even say good-bye to her that day. Did you know that? She called and told me she was on her way and that she loved me and I told her I love her too and the call was dropped. I never said good-bye-" My voice broke and the sobs took over. My body trembled and shuddered with such force I thought I would finally die from the hole in my chest and the pain it caused. Death, as always, never claimed me.

Angela stood up and wrapped her arms around me, folding me tightly in her grasp. I cried until every part of me hurt and begged to stop feeling ever again. She wiped my tears and hugged me tightly.

"Edward, Erik and I are so worried about you. We want to help you but -?"

"You want to help? Can you bring her back? Can you make the past two years never have happened? Can you tell me she _was _real? Can you tell me I did see her and she was real?" I asked as I tried to find a single ounce of composure.

"No," she whispered.

"Yeah," I sighed. _Only Bella can help me; she's the only that ever could._

With that thought, I felt my heart rip open and shatter once again.

My sleep was tortured, just as it always had been since she left. I found that I had started to sleep much lighter, ready to hear the faintest noise. I turned the house alarm off for reasons that I didn't understand, but it seemed as if I had to do it for her to come back. I left the front door and bedroom windows unlocked. I couldn't swear to it, but every inch of me was certain she had come through the window - which made no sense at all. If the past years had taught me anything, it was that nothing made sense anymore.

Charlie called a few days after Angela's visit and asked me to come over to the house. He was worried about Seth, his stepson, and thought I might be a good person for him to talk to. After Charlie married Sue Clearwater a few years back, Seth and Bella had become close and her death hit Seth hard. He and his sister, Leah, weren't exactly close, and he really looked to Bella to fill that role. I wasn't sure how I could possibly help Seth when I wasn't even able to help myself, but since he was a part of Bella, I went.

Seth and I went for a walk in the woods by Charlie's house, and after nearly thirty minutes of wandering around under the green canopy and moss-covered rocks and fallen trees, Seth finally broke the silence.

"Do you ever think she's still here, Edward?" he asked quietly. His eyes stayed focused on the damp earth beneath our feet. I felt the wind knocked out of me at his question.

"What do you mean, Seth?" I asked, cautiously. I was not going to drag him down the path of insanity that I felt I was walking down.

He sighed heavily and kicked at the fallen leaves before he spoke. "I know it sounds crazy, and I could never say this to Mom or Charlie - and Leah would laugh her ass off and say I was nuts- but," he paused, the hesitation was thick with concern for my reaction, I was sure. "I swear. I've seen her - and not when I've been asleep, Edward. I was wide awake and I swear that I saw her."

I felt the air pulled from my lungs. There was simply no way he was saying what he was to me. There was no way the pair of us was both losing our minds. I had lost my wife - that was reason enough for me to hallucinate, but Seth was barely nineteen and had lost his stepsister of only a few years. I'd lost my soul mate - someone that I had shared my life with since I was seventeen.

I knew I had to choose my words carefully. He had finally confided what he thought was a crazy thought, and I knew all too well the risk he took in saying it. "When, Seth? Are you sure you weren't dreaming?"

"No! That's what scares me. I was wide awake. I was up early; I wanted to get to campus early to get a workout in before my classes. I had just finished in the bathroom and was walking back to my room - Bella's old room. I had just walked into the room, and I looked out the front window and I saw her. Edward, I fucking _saw her_!" He spoke in a hushed tone even though we were in the middle of the woods. "She was standing across the lawn, kind of hidden under the trees, but she was there. I swear to you. She was there."

My heart started to pound and I felt a small wave of relief pass over me. I wasn't crazy. Seth had seen her too. "Seth, are you sure?"

"Edward, I haven't been this sure about anything in my life." He looked relieved that I hadn't scoffed at him or immediately told him he was wrong.

I took a step closer to him, my mind raced at the possibility of what this meant. We couldn't both be losing our minds, so what the hell was the explanation? My wife was dead and I had been so convinced I was losing my mind only to _know_ that I had touched her only a few nights ago. I knew in a way that no one else could ever understand. For the rest of my days, I would always remember Bella's touch; the way it fused my soul to hers, the lightning that coursed through me as her flesh met mine, and the simple fact that touching her always made me calm. For as shocked and stunned as I was that night, I was calm for that split second I held her.

"Who else have you told?" I asked him, still as cautious as ever with not only my words, but also my tone.

"Leah. Well, not directly anyway. I asked her if she thought it was possible to see someone that had died when awake. She told me that she seemed to remember some Quileute legend Dad had told her about our people and the dead coming back to deliver messages. Then she started laughing and said it was either that, or that I was being haunted by the Cold Ones." He rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"The Cold Ones?" I asked. I knew some of the local legends, but had never heard any that mentioned Cold Ones.

"Yeah, stupid right? I asked her to explain it and she said she wasn't Dad and if I wanted the answers, I should go talk to Jake," he said as he sat down on a large rock.

Our talk had clearly worn him out. I, on the other hand, felt the first ray of real hope in two years. Even if that ray involved Jacob Black.

I walked over and sat down next to him. "So, what did Jacob have to say?" Even thought Jacob was Bella's best friend, I had never really accepted him. I knew he was always looking for a small fissure in Bella's and my relationship to break us up; to make his move and make her his. I had always been on guard when Bella was with him. Since our teenage years when she would spend time at his house, to our wedding day when he refused to come into the reception - choosing instead to stand on the large deck that lead off the ballroom, watching her, and almost silently calling to her to leave her own reception and run off with him.

"I didn't talk to him. He's in tight with Sam Uley and his gang, he won't have the time for me," Seth said as he picked up a stick and started to turn leaves over with it.

"Sam Uley has a gang?" I asked. I knew little of life on the Rez, and less since Bella . . . . She was the one to share all the details, as she was over there often enough visiting Jacob.

"Crazy, isn't it? It's been that way for a few years, but in the past two years, he's added more disciples. Jacob flipped teams almost two years ago. He quit hanging out with Quil and Embry, quit talking to me and Leah..." his voice trailed off. "He's a jerk, Edward. You were so right to not trust him."

"Hey, Seth, my not trusting Jacob wasn't for any other reason than I knew he wanted Bella, nothing else."

"Yeah, well now you and I have_ two_ things in common," he said as he threw the stick a good distance from where we sat.

I turned my head and looked at him. "Yeah? What's that?"

"Well," he started with a deep inhale, "we both hate Jake, and we both miss Bella."

I knew in that moment that things with Seth had changed. We went from being some twisted, modern family to a baser level. I knew I had to let someone in, and I knew then, that someone had to be Seth. "Seth, I think I've seen her too."

"What? No shit? Really? So I'm not crazy?" he expelled his thought so fast, it was almost as if his mind couldn't catch up to his words.

A faint smile appeared, based more in irony than in relief. "I don't know. I feel like I may be, but I _know_ what I saw."

Seth's laugh was more of an emotional eruption than true laughter. "Me too. So what do we do about it? Think they'll give us a group discount on the meds?"

I offered the smallest laugh and looked at him again. "I'll go talk to Jacob. Maybe it _is_ some Quileute legend that we are both experiencing. You know how much Bella loved all those legends."

"Thanks, Edward." I could see his face relax, the tension and concern started to dissipate.

"Sure," I said as I clapped my hand on his shoulder and went to stand up.

We walked back through the woods toward Bella's old home. The silence of our walk allowed for the sounds of the woods to intensify. I could feel the sun struggle to break through the thick canopy. Bella loved walking through the woods, and it was the first time since she . . . that I had walked in them. I missed her more in that moment than I thought was possible.

Jacob Black's house was the last place I wanted to be. Not just that day, but any day. I knew he hated me, and I would be less than honest if I said it wasn't mutual. When I thought back to all the times Bella tried to mediate between us, I was filled with guilt. It never should have been that way, and yet it was. I tried, for years I tried, to see what possible friendship could exist between them, but I never saw it. I only felt that she might slip away from me and choose him. When she accepted my proposal, I thought for sure he would find away to end it; that he would have some trick up his sleeve to steal her away. She constantly told me that I was the one she wanted to be with forever and that I never had a thing to worry about, but it never stopped the concern that one day she might wake up and realize that I just wasn't good enough for her.

I had asked her several times not to go to Jacob's party. I just didn't want her around him. As selfish as that was, I had never become used to her being with him if I wasn't around. She asked what the worst thing that could happen was if she went. How haunting that question had become. I said nothing that morning, as I got ready for work; she already knew all that I felt about Jacob.

She stood behind me, wrapped her arms around my waist and said, "Edward, when are you going to get it? I'm with you forever. As long as you exist, so do I. There is nothing that can, or will, ever change that. Not even Jacob."

My heart sank at the memory and I felt the swell of panic in my chest. I had to fight the need to pull over and yield to the pain I was feeling remembering our last moment when our bodies connected. I had held on to the feel of her for so long, but this memory was the one I fought. I couldn't bear to remember the way her breath fell across my shoulders and the warmth of her body pressed against mine.

I pulled my car up to Jacob's house and fought against the urge to leave and tell Seth he wasn't home. I cursed myself for such a cowardly thought. Seth needed this. _I_ needed this. If there was a chance that Jacob could shed light on what Seth and I were convinced we saw, the few minutes I would spend talking to him would be worth it. Nothing else was ever worth it where Jacob was concerned.

I was about to give up and leave, when Jacob opened the door.

"Masen," he said. His voice full of disdain.

"Hello, Jacob." There was nothing friendly in the exchange. It would have been forced if there was.

"What do you want?" he asked as he leaned against the doorframe.

"I need to talk to you about something. For Seth," I said. I could feel my temper start to rise, and I knew if I was going to get anywhere with Jacob, I needed to stay as calm as possible.

He walked past me and leaned against the railing at the opposite end of the covered deck. "Start talking then."

I walked a few steps toward him and sat down on the small bench under the window. "Seth was telling me about some Quileute legends."

"Was he now? Why? You haven't given a shit about me or my people or the legends for ten years, why now?" His face was locked in an embittered glare.

I brought my hand up and stroked the side of my mouth in an honest effort to stay in control. "Because it's important to Seth. I thought that maybe that might mean something to you, but I can see that I was wrong."

His jaw flexed and I smiled inwardly. I'd gotten to him. "Go ahead, Masen. What does Seth want to know?"

"He's had a few issues since Bella . . ." I couldn't say it, not in front of him. If she hadn't gone to _his _party, she would still be her. "And he heard about some legends that said the dead can come back with messages for the living. He tried to talk to his sister, but she just laughed at him."

He jutted his jaw out and narrowed his eyes at me. "You sure you're asking this for Seth and not yourself?"

_Just try, Edward. For me. _ I heard Bella's words spoken so many years before and so often.

"No, not just for Seth." I averted my eyes from his. I tried - for years I tried- because it was important to Bella, but Jacob in that moment reminded me of why I held so much animosity toward him.

Jacob's face reflected the smug thoughts I knew he was thinking. "See that? If you'd bothered listening to her in all those times she spent time here, you might have the answers. But you couldn't manage that, could you?"

"Jacob, listen. I didn't come here to argue with you. I'm - that is Seth, he swears he has seen her."

"What was that, Masen? Are _you_ having hallucinations about Bella now?"

"Jacob, I have tried for years to be nice to you. I tried for her, and it's no secret whenever we were alone that I wanted nothing more than to rip you apart. But this isn't about me; it's about Seth, and the fact that he is scared he's losing his mind over thinking that he saw her. I would have thought someone that claimed to love her as much as you did might see that and want to help." I couldn't help it; the anger was just too real and too much. It was his fault she was dead.

He glared at me and took a step toward me. "You think I don't miss her? You think this has been easy for me? I lost my best friend, so forgive me if I don't welcome you to my home with a giant hug and tell you that's all going to be alright."

I stood up and squared my shoulders. "This isn't about you, Jacob. It's about a kid who's speaking of legends no one will tell him about. The most he got from anyone was some bullshit story about Cold Ones and death messengers."

The smug look that Jacob always had around me slipped. It was a slight shift, but one I saw all the same.

He advanced on me, hatred blazed in his eyes. "You don't have a clue what you are talking about and neither does Seth. So my advice? Get your head examined and leave me the hell alone."

I stood firm and didn't shift my posture. "You can't be human, even for a minute, can you?"

"Don't talk to me about being human. You've been living in some self-imposed void for two years, and you suddenly decided that you want to be social? I'm not buying it."

My eyes squinted as I tried to control my temper. "I always saw this side of you, Jacob. The selfish side that didn't care what your actions did to other people. You may have fooled Bella, but you'll never fool me. What the hell did she ever see in you that made someone as decent as her want to be friends with you?"

"So now this is about Bella?"

I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. "Fuck, Jacob. This has _always _been about Bella. You've just been too damned selfish to ever see it."

"Get the hell off my property and don't you ever come back."

I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. "Jacob, Seth needs help, and for some unknown reason, I think you know something that could help him. It's obvious you won't tell me, but would you at least think about talking to Seth?"

Jacob's glare never shifted and it appeared as if he was shaking. "I said leave."

I pulled my jaw tight and scoffed. "You'll never change, will you?"

"I've changed more than you will ever know," he said, his tone menacing and his voice rasped.

"I seriously doubt that. If you had, you would forget about yourself for a minute. I know it would kill you to even think about helping me, but to turn your back on your own tribe member?" I growled.

I locked eyes with him for a minute before I walked off the deck to my car. I was just about to pull the handle when I heard Jacob.

"Don't worry about Seth, he'll understand soon enough," Jacob barked.

It took everything I had to drive away from his house. Bella had left her mark on me where Jacob was concerned. I promised her once I would never go beyond a war of words with him, something I knew he was too small a man to guarantee her.

That night as I tried to fall asleep, it hit me. When I first met Bella, she had moved back to Forks, and prior to meeting me, she had spent some time with Jacob. He'd filled her head with legends about his tribe, and she'd bought every one of them. On our first date, we found a small bookseller in Port Angeles where she had tracked down a book full of Quileute legends. I couldn't understand what the fascination was, but Bella read the entire book - cover to cover - and said that she wanted to learn more about the legends from Billy Black and Harry Clearwater the next time they had their tribe bonfires. I hadn't thought much about it beyond it being a simpl,e teen fascination. She had packed the book up when we moved in together, saying that she heard all the tales and didn't need the book to remember them.

I threw the covers off my exhausted body and went to the study. I turned on the light to the closet and set about finding her long-treasured book.

After nearly half an hour, I came up empty-handed. The book wasn't in our house. She must have left it at Charlie's house.

I knew a trip to Charlie's was in order, and I would let Seth know I had nothing to report. I felt terrible that I wasn't able to help him, but I knew one thing with absolute certainty - we both knew what we saw, and it was real.

I knew I couldn't sleep, but I had to try. It was nearing three in the morning and if nothing else, I could lay in bed until my alarm went off.

I turned out the closet light and was just about to close the door when I heard it. The faintest sound that only the dead of night would let slip. It came from our bedroom, and I quickly ran up the stairs.

I wasn't surprised when I got to the door that nothing, or no one, was in the room. When I saw the curtain flutter ever so slightly, I knew. She had been there, and I wasn't crazy.


	4. Rules and Secrets

_**from the shrew:**__ Thank you so much for reading. This chapter was written and proofed before my cold hit. However, should you find any errors, I am still gonna blame the sick. ;-)_

_  
This chapter is Bella's POV, and it will provide some answers to questions you may have, although not all. Please feel free to leave questions and comments concerning the story._

I wish you all a safe and Happy New Year.

Emmward, thank you.

_**from jakeward:**__ Thank you all for reading this story. _

_Edmett, thank YOU! You have completed my ficwriting soul, you know this! This fic would be nothing without you writing Bella the way you do. I am stunned and flooded with emotions each time you write her._

_Happy New Year!!_

_**We would also like to thank SM for dreaming up such wonderful and intriguing characters that she has inspired an entire fandom.**_

_Disclaimer: We do not own the Twilight Saga nor make any claim on the story, characters, or the concept of what the wonderful SM created. We are only borrowing from her to create this alternate universe in which these beloved characters find themselves in._

Twenty three months minus those three days of burning, all of my thoughts had revolved around Edward: How I missed him. How I loved him. How I wanted him with me still, despite the dangers. I was a vampire. Yet, even though my sole purpose as a vampire revolved around blood,_ I _still revolved around Edward. Everything I did was to find a way back to him.

Part of me knew that it was impossible to ever be with him again, but I selfishly clung to the thought so that I could make it through my never-ending day. Although, I _knew_ that I needed to stop seeing him, I could not deny the draw he held for me. He called to me as my husband, and his blood called to me as a vampire.

I avoided humans, as a rule. I had learned to control the urge to drink from them, but I didn't care to be around them. They reminded me of all I had lost. Their blood smelled appetizing, yes, but Edward's blood exponentially moreso.

As I watched over him while he slept, I could almost _feel_ his blood calling to me. I knew it would taste incredible, but at the same time, I didn't want to drink. As I listened to his heart beat, and the blood rush through his veins, it was as if I could feel it traveling through my own. He nourished me with that sound alone. His heart beat for the both of us now. Technically, the three of us. My hand involuntarily cradled my flat stomach, and my dead heart broke again. I carried a little part of Edward with me always. I carried a little bit of us. Even if I had not retained my human memories past my transformation into a vampire, I would forever hold a physical remnant of our love.

So while the vampire in me salivated at the smell and tang of his blood that I could _almost_ taste from the air of our bedroom alone, it drew me to him, and bound me to him in a new way, courtesy of my new existence, but I refused to give in to the vampire call to drink.

I just needed to see him. Even though it broke me to see him in such pain; to see him struggle with life. I struggled too, with my new existence. He was my life now.

I _lived_ for the hours that I spent watching him while he slept. I remember the first time I worked up the courage to reach out to dust his hair out of his closed eyed. The heat I knew to expect still surprised me, and I drew my hand away with only the slightest grazing of the air over his face. I worried about my strength; that the slightest miscalculation on my part could mar my Edward beyond repair. Yet, still I had to risk it. I _had_ to. So I reached my fingertips to him again and ever so lightly stroked his forehead and along his temple. He turned towards my ghosting touch and whimpered in his sleep. His eyebrows knitted together and his tempting lips turned down into a frown as I withdrew my hand again. The aching hole in my chest engulfed me, witnessing his sadness. _Oh, my love, I know._

From that night, when I first touched my new skin to his, I have warred with my need to be with him in the little capacity that I could. I became bolder - I sat on our bed with him; I cradled his head in my lap; I hummed to him; I sobbed tearlessly for our loss; I told him of my undying love.

I continued well past prudence, I knew that. I tried again to leave him be; to say my goodbye and let him move on. To make him go on and _live_ for the both of us. For our little family. But I couldn't stay away. Tonight, as I crept through the window into our bedroom, seeing the covers thrown back and an empty bed that emanated Edward's smell and warmth, I misjudged my footing and heard the squeak of the floorboard we never fixed. I froze and listened for Edward, knowing that he was somewhere in the house. I was allowed to visit him while he slept, as our meetings would be interpreted as dreams, but knowing that he was awake, and I tempted discovery, I fled back the way I came, for fear of exposure and an ending to my shackled and fleeting time with him.

I stood hidden in the overgrown shrubbery of our yard. I watched Edward burst into the bedroom. I saw his expectant face fall when he saw I wasn't there, but then realization settled in that I did indeed still exist for him. He walked to our window and leaned against the casing, searching for me in the night. I made sure that he would not see me as I crouched low for cover. When he shook his head and pushed off back into the room, I ran quickly in the opposite direction of our house. If I hadn't, I might have gone to him, rules and secrets be damned.

I made my way to Charlie's house. As I approached, I smelled something _foul_ that knocked the unnecessary breath from my lungs. I held my nose, reminding myself that I didn't need to breathe anymore, and crept closer. I listened and heard three heartbeats - Charlie's, Sue's, and my stepbrother, Seth's, all lulled into the calm rhythm of sleep. Assuring myself that they, too, were alive and well, I ran back to my new house, where a kind group of vagabonds adopted me as one of their own.

I saw my new brother, Emmett, on the porch, whittling, and I skidded to a stop right in front of him, sending dirt and gravel onto his boots and clouding around his head. He smiled at me and yelled behind him, "Bella's home!"

Jasper came out front immediately to give me a hug. "You don't have to yell, Emmett. Sweet Jesus, man, I think they heard you down in La Push with the way you were bellowin'." He pulled back from the hug to look into my eyes. I knew that he was reading my emotional state, as well as checking the color of my eyes. Just to make sure. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." I breathed a shaky sigh. "Well, as fine as I can be. It hurts still. I can't stop seeing him, Jasper. You of all people know how important he is to me." He kissed the top of my head and imparted a bit of calm to me.

"I know, Bella. I will talk to Carlisle again. There has got to be something we can do; some way around the rules."

"Thank you. You know, I never dreamed that I would get to have such wonderful brothers as you two; and for all of the problems with this life, you two make it so much more bearable."

"Ditto, little sis." Emmett paused his project to fist-bump me. The irony of his remark being that I was technically older than he was, but still young and new to this form of existence.

"Where's your wife, Jasper? I need her talents."

"I am surprised she hasn't tackled you into a hug yet. The ladies are, I believe, 'shopping the net'."

"And Carlisle? Is he back from the hospital yet?"

"No. Do you want to talk to him first? Or should I?"

"I'll talk to him. I need to have our usual discussion, but I want him to check on Charlie's house. There's a smell there that I am sure cannot be good for them. Strangely enough, they were all in the house though." I shrugged. There were so many things I had yet to learn about my new life, and I figured this must be another _vampire_ thing.

Alice flitted down the stairs and did indeed try to tackle me into a hug. "Bella! Don't worry. It hasn't changed. I still see you with him again." She squeezed me tighter, then pulled me into the house where my sisters congregated.

I let her pull me towards the large, flat-panel computer screen. Today's shopping spree was apparently to help Esme select new roses from the White Flower Farm and Jackson & Perkins catalogs. At least those were the two websites currently filling the screen.

"Bella, come tell me which ones you would like?" Esme gestured me toward her. I squeezed in between her seated form and Rosalie's standing frame.

"They are all so beautiful. I don't know how I would ever choose one."

"Select two, Bella. One for you, . . . and one for Edward," her voice dropped to the barest whisper, "I will cross-breed the two to create a new type that is special just to our family." She gave me a small smile, uncertain if her words would help or hurt me.

I was touched. This task was very bitter-sweet. I understood why she did it. It was the symbolic children that the couples would never have. Esme, with her talents and gifts in the garden, made the best of her barren existence by creating living things from the symbolic unions of the family through flowers.

Rose placed her hand lightly on my shoulder. "It's a poor substitute, but even for me, there is a beauty to seeing these flowers grow. In a small way it helps, Bella. Trust me."

My eyes stung with venomous tears I could never shed. They all knew how especially difficult this subject was for me. That my wounds were still so fresh didn't help matters. I prayed that some day Alice's visions would be reality, and Edward would be with me forever, and we could stand here together and choose how we would like to be mated in flowers. My hand dropped to my stomach. They all knew what I had lost - that my child died with me, and I would carry my sleeping angel frozen for eternity.

"Esme? May I select a third flower? Can you combine the three of them?"

She looked at me with empathy. "Yes. Of course, Bella."

I selected a lavender rose, a white rose, and a multi-colored one that's main attraction was its smell. I had no clue what the end result would be, but Rose was right. In a very small way, it helped to bind myself to Edward and our child in this manner.

Jasper and Emmett came in, breaking up the heavy moment for me and my sisters, wanting to challenge us to Guitar Hero. They helped take the edge off of my melancholy. I just sat and watched the others play. I expected Carlisle from the hospital soon, and I wanted to organize my thoughts for our discussion.

He arrived within the hour.

After he greeted his wife and "children", we started up to his office. Over my shoulder, I promised Esme that I would return her husband soon, as I didn't think there was too much to discuss beyond our usual Q and A.

I told him of my experiences of the day, in much the same manner as if he was my doctor and I was his patient. I told him of my progress with my control over my thirst, and how I was relearning to be "human".

My control increased exponentially each day. But I had something to work towards, a goal. Edward. Somehow, I had to have faith that we could be together again.

"I did well. I hunted today." Obviously, if I had slipped in my diet, he would already have known, but he wanted to know about the nuances of my day, so I continued on. "I didn't come across anyone, but I did catch the scent of hikers from yesterday. It wasn't too bad. My venom increased, but I _knew_ that I didn't want to follow the scent."

"And how is your strength?" he queried.

"Emmett beat me when we wrestled, but it wasn't easy for him," I grinned. "I am still having a little trouble controlling the pressure when I practice with silverware. I am still bending the spoon a little when I pretend to use it. I only broke two pens today when I practiced writing."

"Good," he nodded. "What else?"

"It was a great day control-wise. Like I said, when I hunted, I was always conscious of _not_ wanting the human scent, regardless of the physiological response."

"And your senses?"

I chuckled lightly. "I am still tripping out over the new color. I still don't know how to describe it. It's so . . . vibrant. I can't . . ." I shook my head trying to decipher something so strange.

Carlisle nodded in understanding and empathy.

I continued on, "My hearing is doing alright. If I was still human, I know that I would have a migraine right now from all of the noise, but it's getting easier to tolerate. I went close enough to Main Street to test it, but not close enough that I was tempted at all."

"Who went with you for that?"

"Rose."

He made another note in his journal, just as he did with all of my comments.

"Oh, Carlisle? I _did_ have weird smell experience today."

"Oh really? Do go on," He sat forward and attentive in his chair.

"I went by Charlie's house. There's an awful smell there which I couldn't identify, and I am a little concerned. Charlie, Sue, and Seth were all asleep inside which leads me to believe that it's me and the vampire thing, but I just wanted to double check that it wasn't something harmful to them."

Carlisle smirked, "Ah. That would be the wolves. Some of the pack must be visiting. I can double check for one hundred percent certainty, but the look on your face as you told me indicates that it's the wolves. They have quite the distinct odor, don't they? It's funny, but we smell just as repugnant to them. I suppose it comes with the territory of being mortal enemies," he sighed heavily, as an invisible weight fell onto his shoulders.

"What about your concentration, Bella?"

My concentration was fine. Always had been since I woke up into this life. I concentrated on Edward. Complete and utter focus on what I wanted. What I lost. And what I desperately needed to get back.

"Excellent as usual . . . Oh. There was one small moment when I was too deep in thought and I didn't register where I should step. It was nothing. Edward wasn't in the room, and I left before he returned."

"Bella," Carlisle sighed heavily again. "I thought you weren't going to visit him anymore. It's not making it any easier for either of you."

"I _need_ to be with him, Carlisle. I don't know how, but there has to be a way around the treaty. I mean, I don't even know if I want this life for him, but at least for a little while, I want my husband back. I want to be able to see him more than just when he thinks he's dreaming. He is not doing well, Carlisle. I die all over again to see him like that. There has _got_ to be a way. Please."

"Bella," he sighed. I knew that tone. "It's not that simple. I have never changed anyone that wasn't already dying. I don't know that I could change a man without cause."

"But what if he wanted to change?" I interrupted. If it could, my heart would have hammered at the thought. I wanted Edward to become like me and stay with me always, but I also didn't want to take his life, his chance at a future, his humanity. I wasn't entirely certain that I wanted this life for him, but I also wanted to hold on to the option. It was selfish of me, but I didn't care. I also feared that Edward may not want this life. Yes, he loved me completely, but this life was not without its challenges and sacrifices. Would he give up everything to be with me?

"Well, that would have to have some baring in the decision, but it isn't just me, Bella. The wolves would never allow it. We only narrowly escaped a battle when I changed you. As it stands, particular members of the pack await the slightest provocation for a fight with us. I do not think we could avoid a fight this time. I have my family to think about and protect. You are part of that family, Bella, but I must also think of the others. Besides, have you firmly decided that this is the course to take?"

In all honesty, no. And that is what held me back from fighting harder. "No," I answered quietly.

"Then it's rather a moot point, isn't it?"

I nodded as I gazed into my lap.

"Don't worry, Bella. All will turn out as it should."

With those cryptic and non-comforting words, he kissed the top of my head and headed out to join his wife.

As the couples in the house retreated for some alone time, I headed out to the woods to quench the vampire and escape the ache of remembering such intimacy.


	5. Strife

_Author's Chapter Notes:_

_from jakeward: It's a good thing giving this chapter a title wasn't open to public viewing. LOL. I think we have over twenty titles before we agreed on this one. We hope you like this chapter. I took Jacob pretty far in this chapter, but I think as the story unfolds, you will understand why._

_From the shrew: We had WAY more than twenty titles. They ranged from sad and vague to downright insane! I love what jakeward has done with this chapter, and I SERIOUSLY wanted to kick Jake's ass reading this. Thanks for sharing in the journey of this little canon twist._

_Disclaimer: We don't own it, we just twist it._

* * *

EPOV

I drove the winding roads to Port Angeles, certain that I would find the book I needed. Bella had purchased the book years ago, but after an extensive search at Charlie's, the book was nowhere to be found. I tried to visit Seth while I was there, but Charlie told me he was too sick to see me. Sue seemed more off-put with Seth being sick than Charlie did. She didn't seem worried so much as annoyed,which I found odd given she was his mother and her previous husband, Seth's father, had died of a heart attack. I stayed clear of her for the rest of my visit. It bothered me; Seth was a great kid and she acted as if his illness was getting in the way of something.

I pulled up to the bookstore close to six o'clock. The sun dipped lower into the growing clouds; a sure sign a storm was coming in off the coast. I knew my excursion into the bookseller wouldn't last long; I had called ahead to have the book I needed held for me. I walked in, asked for the book, paid, and left within three minutes of walking in. I made it back to my car just as the sky opened up and immediately drenched the world outside my car.

I thought about starting my reading while I waited for the rain to let up. That is, until my phone rang. I looked at the caller id and couldn't understand why Jacob Black would be calling me.

"Hello?" I said calmly as I answered the phone. Our last conversation hadn't ended well, and there was no reason I could think of why he would call me now.

"I didn't call to visit, Cullen," his voice was hard and unfriendly.

I rolled my eyes hearing him speak. "No, of course you didn't."

"Back off. You don't know what you are dealing with and none of it will bring Bella back to you. Got it?" He spoke through clenched teeth, which I was sure he thought made him sound menacing.

"I have no idea what you are talking about, Jacob," I said. I had my suspicions, but I wanted him to say it.

He huffed, and then said, "Bella's dead."

The words cut through me like a serrated knife, leaving me with a jagged, open wound again. I hated hearing those two words spoken together. I struggled for a second, but there was no way Jacob would know how deeply his words destroyed the small steps I had made in the past two years.

"I'm aware of that," I said calmly though I felt a slow building rage begin.

"So what do you think you are going to gain by digging around in native legends and folklore? It won't change her being out of your life. For good." It was the way he said it, so full of hate and anger, it seemed he wasn't speaking to me anymore. Yet, there was a tone hidden in his words, I almost didn't hear it at first. It was ...smug.

"Does that make you happy, Jake? That I finally lost her? After all your failed attempts, she's finally left me?" I was shocked at my thought, but it made sense.

He tried for years to get her to leave me, and she never would. She told him she would always choose me, and while she loved him, she was _in love_ with me.

"Damn it, Cullen! You never understood. You still don't! It isn't about me. It's about Bella. I can't change what happened to her, and believe me I've argued this point until I can't-" He stopped himself, and it seemed as if he almost slipped with something.

I looked over to the passenger seat; the book seemed more important than ever to read in that moment.

"Just drop it." Jacob finally spoke in the controlled, measured tone he had when I first answered my phone.

I looked up from the book and out the front windshield. The rain fell heavily, almost obscuring my vision, but I saw it all the same. A small figure stood just out of the light, up the small alley next to the parking space my car occupied. I made the mistake of blinking, and it was gone.

I struggled with the urge, no - the _need,_ to get out of my car and chase down the familiar phantom image that shadowed my dreams and haunted my waking hours.

I knew what my path was going to be, whether Jacob liked it or not.

"I'm sorry; Jacob, but I just can't do that."

"Then I hope you enjoy disappointment," he fired off before he slammed the phone into the receiver.

I placed my phone on the passenger seat, and looked back out the front window. I know I saw someone, standing in the rain, and then in a flash, they were gone. It didn't make sense. No one could move that fast, no one would be standing around in the rain, watching me in my car. No one but -

I picked up the book and flipped through the pages, desperately searching for what, I didn't know. I passed page upon page of different legends and lore, traditions, costumes, and then, almost hidden in the back of the book, I found something that stood out. So much so that the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

A chapter titled - _The Cold Ones._

I read the vivid and detailed description of the Quileute legend of the cold ones. In a word, Vampires. It warned of beings that possesed extreme agility and speed, skin being ice cold, an aversion to direct sunlight, the sworn enemy of the Quileute .... I continued to read, knowing that at some point, I was going to wake up from the dream I'd stumbled into when, suddenly, one word stood out painfully - _Undead._

_Undead._

No. My Bella couldn't be . . . She couldn't be a part of this legend - this dark myth. My mind raced through moments that I had been so sure included her: the hand brushing across my forehead as I slept. The hand that felt chilled. The noise in the bedroom, only to find a curtain blowing gently as I finally entered the room. Seth and I both thinking we had seen her, only to blink and find her gone. The fact that I never saw her once during the daytime, only at twilight or later.

My stomach dropped with a terrifying thud and my hands shook. Seth. I needed to talk to Seth.

I drove as fast as I could safely manage back to Forks, hell bent on talking to Seth. No one was going to tell me I couldn't. I'd had enough of Sue and Leah brushing me off, telling me they would let him know I called, and of Charlie dodging my questions. If I had to break down the door, I was going to talk to him.

I pulled up to the house and parked the car in front of the walkway. I was reaching for my coat when I saw Seth walking out of the house toward the woods with no shirt on, only ripped jeans and sneakers.

I bolted from the car and walked quickly to him.

"Seth!" I shouted, happy that I chanced upon him without anyone else interfering, hoping he would stop walking and talk to me. He didn't stop. I closed the distance between us and grabbed his shoulder. "Seth, what the hell? It's freezing out here!"

"Go away, Edward." Seth didn't turn around. His shoulders went rigid, and his voice seemed to speak of shame.

"Seth? What's wrong? Are you alright?" I was seriously concerned for the kid who had become like a brother to me since he entered Bella's life.

"Go away, Edward. I can't talk to you."

"Like hell you can't. What the hell is wrong? Are you sick? Is this about Bella? You're not crazy, Seth. You didn't imagine it. I did some research and-"

Seth spun around and looked at me. His eyes pleaded with me for understanding even as his body became threatening. "Don't you get it? I don't care about that. Jacob - he's helping me now."

"Jacob?" I scoffed. "The same Jacob that never had time for you before you got sick? The Jacob that can't put two nice words together to either of us? How the hell is he helping you?"

Seth started to look over his shoulder toward the woods, but stopped. "He just is. You have to go, Edward. I'm sorry. I don't have time for you and your bag of crazy shit in my life anymore."

It felt like I'd been sucker punched, and I suppose I had. "Seth? Are you kidding me? It wasn't too long ago that you were scared to death you were crazy yourself. What the hell changed?"

"I did! Fuck! You have to go, now," he said as he snarled at me. I saw his shoulders start to shake, almost vibrate, as he stood still.

"You need to get inside and get dressed. I don't think you are over whatever you were sick with," I tried to reach out for him, to physically encourage him to take my advice, but he jerked his arm away.

He offered a bitter laugh as he said, "You're right. I didn't get over it. I never will. I have to go, Jacob is waiting for me."

"Jacob? Really? Well, then you should go. Far be it from me to keep you from someone that didn't give a shit about you, Seth. You know if Bella were alive, it would floor her with how you-"

"Don'.. You don't understand _anything. _Go away, Edward, and don't bother me ever again."

Seth turned and started toward the woods. I saw Jacob edging out from under the dark, green canopy, wearing clothes similar to Seth. Flanked on either side were three other guys I'd remembered meeting a few times when Bella dragged me off to the Rez to visit Jake.

When Seth neared Jacob, he fell in line, almost as if there was a hierarchy to their formation. Jacob looked at the others before he started walking toward me.

I steeled myself against whatever new insult or knife in the chest he planned to hurl at me. The rain had soaked me thoroughly, but I didn't care.

"What the hell, Cullen? Can't bother me enough, so now you have to bother my boy, Seth?" As he spoke, his upper lip seemed to curl up. It was something I had never seen him do before in all the times he'd spoken to me since I lost Bella.

"Your boy? Since when did he become your boy? What, are you forming some sort of pack of disciples that believe you can't do any wrong?" I didn't care how rude or aggressive I sounded; there was something in Jacob's posture that made me feel as if I needed to be ready fight him.

"He always _was_ my boy. He just wasn't ready before."

"Ready? For what? To follow your commands and treat the people that love him like shit?"

Jacob took a half step closer, his lip snarled again, and said, "Don't talk about what you don't know."

I rolled my head in a small circle, exasperation taking over. "Jesus! Is this another one of your supposed legends?"

Jacob glared at me, but over his shoulder, I could see a faint trace of the Seth I had spoken to just days earlier looking at me as though he was about to burst . . . as if I had just said something he was forbidden to answer or even acknowledge.

"I would advise you leave, Cullen. Go home and find some therapist who is willing to listen to you lament and carry on for your dead wife who wrapped herself around a fucking tree and killed herself. Got it?" His eyes bore into me like daggers.

I took a step closer to him, my jaw flexing in anger, my fists clenched in outrage at Jacob's audacity, and I couldn't stop. "Jacob, don't you _ever_ speak of Bella that way again, do you understand me? She may have been your friend, but she was my life. I understand that you have _no_ regard for _anyone_ but yourself, but if you make one more rude, thoughtless, unfeeling, or cruel comment about Bella, I will kill you. Is that clear?"

He laughed. The ass laughed. "If only you fucking knew, Cullen. Go home. Cry into your beer and let me do what I do - what I was chosen to do. And if you're lucky, maybe you can finally move on and forget her."

I felt all life and warmth leave me with his words. There was no way on this earth, or anywhere beyond, that I would ever forget Bella.

Jacob sprinted back to the woods. He spoke to Seth, who locked eyes with me as if to say how sorry he was. Jacob walked back into the shadow of the forest, his pack following him, and left me standing in the rain, wondering what the hell had just happened.

* * *

_Chapter End Notes:_

_Thanks for reading._


	6. Double Life

I watched Edward dart back to his car. I secretly prayed that he would figure out what was going on. I wanted the decision out of my hands. I wanted something external to force the issue for me. I wanted to stop vacillating over what I wanted. I longed to tell him everything, but at the same time, I feared it - I feared what it would mean to the Cullens and their safety. I feared for Edward, and I feared what it might mean for our marriage. Although technically voided with the "til death do you part" bit, I was in a gray area. In my heart, I was still Edward's wife. I still wanted him as my husband.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket. I tore my gaze from Edward's perusal of the book. The angry call from Jake had me growling softly, and my muscles tensed to attack. I wanted to kick Jake's ass for the things he had said to Edward.

"Bella's Bat Phone," I teased Emmett, trying to ground myself in our easy banter.

"Hey, Sis. Time to leave behind your Bruce Wayne act and don a rubber suit. We've got dogs to deal with."

I hissed low in my throat. _What now, Jake?_ "I'm in Port Angeles. I'll be back soon. I'm feeling ready for a rumble."

"You wanna be a Jet or a Shark?"

"Definitely a Shark. Although I'm sure to hate the taste of dog, I have one that I'd _really_ like to hurt right now."

"Right there with you, Sis. That pup is in serious need of a smackdown."

I laughed. Emmett excelled at making me laugh.

"And I just got four hands raised in agreement," he confirmed.

I did not have to be a mind-reader to know my siblings' thoughts. I also knew the hold out. Carlisle. The diplomat. He had to be that way. I knew that. But still . . .

I stole one more glance at Edward to make sure he was safe. For now.

"On my way, Superman," I told Emmett before I disconnected the call and weaved my way into the surrounding forest.

I pushed myself hard in my run. I wanted to get out _some_ of my aggression. Although I still wanted to take out that aggression on the cause of all this crap.

Jacob was my friend. Once upon a time. He was fun and easy to be around, for the most part. Our dads were lifelong friends, and Jake and I had built a camaraderie based on their friendship.

It galled me that he could be so hurtful and . . . vengeful now. He had no right or reason to be.

I broke through the trees in front of the Cullen home and lept up onto the side porch. I landed harder than I planned and broke a hole in one of the deck boards.

"Ah, shit." That was my first overuse of force today. "Sorry, Esme!" I called into the house.

"Don't worry, Bella. That's easily repaired," she placated.

Esme was so kind to me. She opened her home and her family to me. She welcomed me to become one of them, should I wish it. I did. I loved them all. They had been nothing but warm, loving, encouraging, and understanding of me since I woke.

I joined the Cullens in the living room. I plopped down on the sofa between Rose and Alice.

"So? What does the Alpha want to bitch about now?" I felt no generosity to Jake at all in that moment.

Emmett and Jasper chuckled.

"I can't believe you were ever friends with him, Bella. He's such a tool," Rose scoffed. "And he reeks more than the rest of them." She sniffed the air, as if to rid herself of his imaginary scent.

"Trust me, Rose. I know that now." I frowned.

Carlisle came downstairs and apprised us of the few details of the intended meeting with the wolf pack. He looked directly at me as he reminded us to be as cordial as possible during the meeting.

Alice rested her hand over mine. "She's perfectly in control of herself, Carlisle. I am sure that she will handle herself, and the entire meeting, brilliantly."

Her words reassured Carlisle and calmed me. I didn't want to mess anything up for the Cullens.

"Jasper, Seth is the newest member of the pack, so you may need to focus more on him to keep him calm."

"I highly doubt that Seth will be the problem, Carlisle," Jasper warned him.

Again, Carlisle's eyes found me.

"She won't be the problem, either," Jasper assured. "It's that pup of an Alpha. He's got _issues_."

Emmett chortled. "Dude, you should have seen his granddad. That was a cool dude. His grandson got none of that."

Rosalie nodded her head.

Esme asked, "Do we know why they have called for the meeting?" Her concern for her family evident in her voice and face.

"No," Carlisle replied. "Not really. He said that we needed to re-affirm the treaty and possibly add an an addendum."

"That's a pretty big word for Jacob," Emmett snarked. Carlisle's mouth turned up into a slight smile.

"Well, that may not have been his exact word, but it amounts to that, essentially." Carlisle clarified.

Jasper spoke up then. "So we are going into this blind?"

"I'm so sorry, everyone!" Alice apologized as she covered her face in her hands. "I wish that I didn't have this blind spot with them, but I just can't see! It's so frustrating."

Esme and Jasper, well all of us really, tried to reassure her that we understood her feelings, but that it wasn't _her_ fault. She was not omnipotent, and we all knew that.

If anything, I felt like it was all my fault. They only had issues with the wolves now because Carlisle had changed me the night of my accident.

We all stood to leave. Rose and Emmett left first to run into the woods with Carlisle and Esme close behind them. Jasper stalled me for a moment before I took off.

"Bella?" His voice was soft and intense. "I can feel your guilt. This isn't your fault. Truly, it isn't. If your mortal life had to end, then we are glad to share your immortal one. All of us. We wouldn't trade you for anything. Remember that, please." He squeezed my shoulder lightly before taking Alice's hand to begin the run.

I stood for a moment, stunned by his words. I took a deep, unnecessary breath and headed off to the woods near my father's house.

We waited in the dense woods not far from Charlie and Sue's home. We heard the argument between Edward and Jacob.

Rose and Esme stood next to me, each grasping one of my hands. Emmett stood in front of me, flanked by Alice and Jasper. Carlisle stood distant from all of us, watching the entire scene unfold.

I heard the collective growl at Jacob's comments to Edward.

I, however, was more focused on Edward. Was he okay? Jake was being an uber-ass, but all I wanted was to comfort my husband. _I'm here, Edward. I'm alive. Sort of. I still love you with all of my heart._

The pack moved into the woods. They flanked out as if their number would seem more impressive that way. It was the first time I had seen Seth; not counting my furtive encounters with him.

"Seth!" I smiled broadly and moved forward to hug him. He may stink, but he was still my brother.

Seth smiled too and started to come towards me.

"No, Seth!" Jacob commanded. "She's not your sister anymore."

Seth's body halted in place, clearly against his own will.

I stopped moving. "Really, Jake? Is that necessary?"

Jacob did not speak, but glowered at me. Like I fell for that.

I was already bored and saddened by Jacob's actions. I just wanted to get this over with. "So what did you want, Jacob? To prove what a total jerk you can be, not only to my husband, but also to my brother? Do you really hate me _that much_?"

"I am here to discuss the treaty." His voice boomed much louder than necessary for our hearing.

Carlisle stood next to me. The Cullens fanned out into a straight line.

"We haven't violated the treaty, Jacob," Carlisle assured him.

Jacob smirked in disgust, "No. You haven't violated the treaty. Recently," he emphasized.

"Oh for goodness' sake, Jacob! Carlisle saved my life! Are you still pissed about that? Grow up!" I couldn't keep the exasperation from my tone.

"We need to discuss the territory boundaries," he said, ignoring my comments, and pissing me off. "Bella's been sniffing around Charlie and Sue's house."

"Duh! He's my _dad_, Jacob. I was just checking in on him. And Seth," I smiled. "I've missed you, Seth. Are you doing okay? I mean, besides the whole phasing wolf thing?" Seth and I always had such an easy rapport, I desperately wanted that to still exist despite our new circumstances. So what if we were now technically mortal enemies? I still loved my brother.

"Yeah, Bella," he smiled at me like he always did. Nothing had changed between us, and I breathed a sigh of relief. "This takes some getting used to, but it's not all bad." His eyes flicked to Jacob for a second. Jacob glared back at Seth.

"I can't have you being so close to a member of the pack," Jacob's voice boomed too loudly once again.

"You can't be serious, Jake. It's Charlie's house! He lives in Forks. We are allowed to move freely in Forks."

"Well, since you all made an exception here to "save" Bella, I want to make an exception, too."

"But it's _Charlie's_ house. You can't be serious, expecting me to stay away from my father's home?"

Jacob snarled, "I know it's Charlie's place! But Seth lives there now, and I cannot have a bloodsucker so close to my brother or his family."

"_I'm_ his family!" I shouted. Jasper touched my arm, not so much to restrain me, but to use his gift to calm me down. I turned to him, "No, Jasper, don't. He can't do that. He can't take them away from me too. I've lost so much already. He can't take away the comfort of being able to check on my family and make sure they are safe." I heard the pleading edge to my voice, but I couldn't help it. Jake knew that my weakness was always my loved ones.

If I still could, I would have been crying. Instead, my eyes burned with the inability to shed my frustration and sadness.

It was Seth that spoke next. "Jake? Why don't I go stay on the rez? That way it wouldn't be a problem for anyone."

"No." Jacob's jaw set in a hard line.

My eyes narrowed on him. "Why are you being so difficult, Jacob?"

He didn't reply.

"Come on, Jake," Seth entreated. "It's not a big deal, man. You don't have to do this to her."

"Yes, I do. She isn't who she was. She needs to realize _what_ she is now. And she needs to realize that old relationships are dead and buried, . . . but new ones take their place."

My mouth hung open in amazement. I didn't respond to his comment, and slowly I saw his shoulders shift under the pressure.

"It's not like it was before," he said with a measure of sadness. "We can't pretend that things aren't different now. As a vampire, I cannot allow you around the pack or their homes."

"But it's my dad," I whispered.

Sam spoke up next. "Jacob, Seth can stay with me and Emily. Bella's trying to hold on to her humanity here. Let her. . . . It will only make her safer around humans."

Jacob's fists clenched harder hearing Sam's argument. He couldn't ignore it, although he tried.

"_I_ am the Alpha." Jacob stated, but then he hesitated. "My pack makes a sound argument and provides you with a very generous alternative. You are very lucky, Bella," he conceded.

"Thank you, Sam. Thank you, Seth," I told them with genuine gratitude.

"You didn't thank _me_, Bella." Jacob's voice sounded so condescending. As if he was chastising a child.

I took a moment to consider my words. I needed to play nice, but I'd be damned if I was going to thank my former friend for being a jerk.

"Thank you, Jake," he smirked at me before I added, "for seeing reason." His smirk turned to a sneer and his muscles bunched as he crouched low like he prepared to attack.

I immediately took a defensive posture and hissed at Jacob.

"Don't do it, Bella," Emmett said low as he touched my shoulder. "Don't give him what he wants." He bit his lip to stifle the rest of what he wanted to say.

Emmett's comments effectively reined in my anger. My brother was right, so I relaxed my stance.

"You're right, Emm."

Carlisle addressed Jacob, "Is that all you wanted to discuss, Jacob?"

"Yeah, for now." He glared at me, then he addressed the pack. "Come on. We're done here."

The others all turned to leave, and Jacob followed with a final look of contempt.

"What an ass!" Rosalie said as we broke out into a run back to the Cullen house.

Effectively, the meeting changed nothing, except to raise my impression of Sam and lower my opinion of Jacob. There was nothing to discuss afterwards, so the couples began their pairing off ritual.

Carlisle did pull me aside before he went upstairs with Esme. I awaited my grilling, but he surprised me.

"Bella," he said quietly, "I know how difficult that meeting was for you. I want you to know that I am proud of you for not allowing Jacob to bait you into a fight."

"But- . . . I was about to. I hissed at him," I countered, taken aback by Carlisle's praise.

"Yes, you did." He smiled warmly at me. "_But_ you pulled back. You took yourself back from the edge."

"But Emmett stopped me . . ."

His smiled widened. Emmett _reminded_ you, but _you_ made the choice to pull back. To fight the natural instinct. That's what this life is about - the choices we make."

Carlisle kissed my cheek and patted my arm before he joined his wife upstairs. Leaving me alone to consider his words as I hunted quickly before going to Edward.


	7. Unshakable

_Chapter Notes:_

_Disclaimer: All rights to Twilight characters, story line, and plot are borrrowed. We thank SM for creating this playground that offers more story lines than she probably thought possible._

_**Bella POV**_

I barely focused on the hunt, but I exhilarated in the run. I replayed the "meeting" with Jacob and the wolf pack over in my mind. Luckily for me and my multi-tasking vampire brain, conversations with Carlisle attempting to "reason" with me played simultaneously.

It seemed it didn't matter - wolf or vampire - the guys in charge did not want me with my husband.

Forget that! He is my husband. I had a life before that stupid accident, and instead of dying, I was given a second chance. I don't know why, and I don't care. Even if it's only a half-life of watching over him like a guardian angel, while I draw every unnecessary breath, I will watch over him and help him in any way that I can.

I am not giving up my little chance to be with him, to hold him again, to pretend to sleep by his side. If I never have more than that, then so be it. It will be enough.

I will not give him up! I would sooner set myself ablaze, or provoke the Volturi, before I would do that. He is part of me. Forever. I am not whole without him. I am not human without him.

I noticed that in my distraction during the hunt, I had gotten blood on my shirt. I started back to the Cullens, but then an epiphany hit me. I would just "borrow" one of Edward's shirts. I made a lap around back to our house. I hovered at the edge of the yard watched as the lights in our home went out, one by one.

_**EPOV**_

Jacob was a tool. Plain and simple. I'd always known it, but never said as much to my Bella. His actions and words were inexcusable and I was sure that if Bella were here, she would say the same thing.

I wasn't sure what his game was with Seth, but I was going to find out. Jacob had no right to treat Seth the way he had - the intimidation alone was enough to make me want to charge him and offer him a solid beat down. But I was better than that - better than him.

I knew that a conversation with Seth was coming. How he could shift so quickly from believing Bella was alive to being on his side of the argument? It made no sense. None.

I slammed the door to the house and threw my keys on the dining room table. Jacob Black and his heavy handing had finally reached my breaking point.

I put up with him for Bella's sake, and I still was following the rules - be nice, play fair, and remember he was her friend. Ha! Friend my ass. No friend of Bella's would ever talk to her or about her the way Jacob had.

He had tried so hard in the past to win her affections, to steal her away from me - but it never worked. She was loyal, faithful, and loving to me always - from that first day we met until the night she . . . .

I pushed the cold, stark reality away. I had been living in its wake for two years. I knew I had lost her, but it didn't stop the longing and emptiness I felt.

I grabbed a beer from the fridge, tossed the bottle cap into the sink and went to our small living room. I kicked my feet up on the coffee table and that quickly, a small, warm smile graced my stoic face.

If Bella were here, she would tease me about my feet on the table, and scold me for the cap in the sink. I would in turn tease her about the bras hanging over the towel bar in the bathroom and we would settle onto the couch and spend the night enjoying the fact that we had the other in our life.

We had more than our fair share of laughter and tears, but it was what made us whole. We leaned on each other when things were tough, and laughed together until our sides hurt.

I thought back to the day I met her - how I couldn't take my eyes off her. The first time I dared talking to her, she stole my breath away.

In the two years since I lost her, I struggled to remember if I ever actually asked her to be my girlfriend or if she just became that after our first date. I found myself turning to my left to face her seat on the couch to ask her, only to be reminded that she wasn't there to hear my question.

There were so many moments in our shared life that I thought of and wished we had more time to remember together. But it wasn't to be.

I remembered the day I asked her to marry me. She was so clumsy sometimes. When I asked her to spend the rest of our lives together, she stared at me - her eyes brimming with unshed tears, and her lip quivering. She silently nodded "yes', then took two small steps toward me before she lost her footing. I quickly caught her and pulled her to me, steadying her against my frame. It seemed I had a sixth sense when it came to catching her.

We talked about our future and all the dreams we had for it. All the dreams she wouldn't be here to make sure came true. But the cruelest was the lack of children. Dear god, how we wanted a family. I still ached with the knowledge that our biggest dream was the one that we never saw happen. All the rest was filler, but the family was key. She wanted to be a mother almost as much as I wanted to be a father.

I wanted to give her everything I could. I would have given my life if it meant saving hers.

I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears and the pain that missing her always brought. They had become my most constant companions. I saw flashes of Bella from our life together. I saw the look on her face when our Christmas tree fell over, and when I told her I could handle Easter dinner and burned the ham. I could see her when the nozzle on the whip cream can malfunctioned and sprayed all over her. I saw the stunned looked on her face when her father announced he was going to marry Sue. The sleepy smile she gave me when she first woke up and the feel of her last kiss before she went to bed at night.

Then the feeling gave way to the strong echo of the words of people who meant well, but had no clue what they were talking about. Taking a full swig from my beer bottle, I fought against their words.

I wasn't imagining it; it wasn't some hysterical apparition. I wasn't dreaming her being real, or making the stories up to make myself feel better, or to stay closer to her. Hell, I knew better than anyone that she wasn't here anymore. I was the one that had to live in the empty house and see her clothes still hanging in the closet. I was the one that still had to see her name on the mail that was still coming to her. I was the one that had to sleep and eat alone every damned day. I was the one that had to announce that I was looking for a table for one, or go to a movie alone. No one else had to do that. She was a past to them, and missing to me.

Angela and Charlie had suggested I go back to see the therapist, and I told them I would consider it. But really, there was no point. I knew she was there - solid and just outside my grasp. I didn't need their version of smoke and mirrors telling me she wasn't.

I needed Seth. He was the key to this. He opened up and trusted me with his confession and I needed to see what else he knew. Jacob would see to it that I never got that chance, but screw him. He didn't own Seth and there was no way Seth would allow him to control his every action or thought.

I downed the rest of my beer, bitter once again with the world that took Bella from me and angry as hell with Jacob for his bullying ways.

"Christ, Bella. I miss you. Every day is a damned eternity keeping me from you," I said to the now empty bottle that I rolled between my palms.

I felt the pain welling up in my chest and the suffocating weight descending in my lungs. There was only one way to deal with this. I was going to bed and cry myself to sleep. Again. Just as I had many nights since she was lost to me.

I padded back to the kitchen. I rinsed the bottle out and placed it in the recycle bin. My actions were void of any feeling or thought. I was on autopilot just as I was nearly every evening.

I turned to the stove to dry my hands and as I turned back, I swear I saw her through the kitchen window. Standing off in the distance, she stood as still as the house itself, unmoving. I locked eyes with her.

"I'm not insane. I swear, I'm not." I clenched my eyes tight and when I opened them, she was gone.

The pain in my chest doubled and I fought the shaking that was my body's reaction every time I thought of her.

I didn't bother locking the doors. Hell, it was Forks. Nothing bad ever happened in this town. Even Bella's accident hadn't happened here.

I walked silently to our bedroom and the pain of missing her slammed into me like a tidal wave. I couldn't breathe and I couldn't think. I walked around the bed and sat down on my side, my back to the bedroom door. I felt my body bob and sway as I stared blankly at the floor.

"God, Bella. I miss you," I said, whispering the words. "I know you're real. I'm not insane."

I knew what I saw. I always knew what I saw. It was Bella, clear as could be.

I felt a tear slid down my cheek before it splashed to the hardwood beneath my feet.

"You're not insane, Edward. I am real."

_End Notes:_

_Thank you for reading. We would love to hear from you if you are so inclined._


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